Tissue Abuser - Girl of the Month is a pictorial spotlighting a lovely lady who would never have sex with me, or anyone reading this. For the heterosexual female visitors or for the gay men visiting this site - I have included a pictorial of men for your pleasure. (Just promise me you wont tell me what that pleasure is.) Click READ MORE (below,right).
These tissues absorb more than just tears.
The stunningly beautiful Jamie Eason is the lucky girl chosen as the first-ever Tissue Abuser - Girl of the Month. I would send Jamie a note congratulating her of this honor but it would violate the conditions of the restraining order she had placed on me.
I first saw pictures of Jamie in a recent issue of Muscle and Fitness magazine. (I was reading that because I was too lazy to walk upstairs to get my issue of Fat and Unmotivated lifestyle magazine). It must be the cheap paper that Muscle and Fitness magazine uses, because all of the pictures of Jamie somehow became stuck together. Wanting to see more photos of Jamie is what catapulted her to be chosen Tissue Abuser - Girl of the Month.
Jamie Eason is a former NFL cheerleader and a fitness guru who is often referred to by her title as "the worlds fittest model". Looking at the pictures of her for the 438th time, it is hard to argue with that title. Jamie makes Kirstie Alley look like a fat slob. Nevermind. That is a poor analogy. Even the Titanic makes Kirstie Alley look a fat slob.
Like many athletes at the top of their respective sport, Jamie's fitness career has not gone without controversy. Many of her competitors claim Jamie achieved her physique using unfair tactics. They claim Jamie did not exercise vigorously like them or maintain a strict diet. They claim Jamie achieved her sculpted body by only using the **Shake Weight. (The shake weight has been banned by fitness competitions because of its sheer awesomeness). Jamie adamantly denies these serious allegations.
**If you do not know what a Shake Weight is there is videos at the bottom of this page for your ignorant ass to see.
Congratulations to Jamie Eason again for winning the Tissue Abuser - Girl of the Month! Enjoy the photos.
The following girls were all seriously considered for Tissue Abuser - Girl of the Month, but ultimately not chosen. I have listed out two reasons why each were considered (which is really two reasons why I would have sex with them), and two reasons why they were not ideal candidates.
Mila Kunis
Why?
Why Not?
Why?
- Because she is really hot.
- She reminds me of a young Angelina Jolie (very hot but doesn't have eighteen kids.)
Why Not?
- Her Chesticals (also referred to as Milk Wagons, Sweater Kittens, Funbags, Fat nuggets, or Breasts) are perhaps too small.
- She was on the television show with, and is likely friends with the biggest douche-bag in the world Ashton Kucher.
Dr. Ruth Westheimer
Why?
Why Not?
Why?
- She is a sex- therapist, Her teachings may prove to be worthy.
- Because she is in her mid-100's, she can not get pregnant.
Why Not?
- She may be dead. Necrophillia just isn't as fun as it used to be.
- Having sex with her would be like having sex with your great-grandmother. It is still fun. Just not as fun as it used to be.
Smurfette
Why?
Why Not?
Why?
- She is really smurfy. Who wouldn't want to smurf her?
- Sex with her would be less painful than your drunken orgy with the entire cast of the Blue Man Group.
Why Not?
- She is a Dick Tease. Responsible for giving a entire community of Smurfs blue balls.
- C'mon Now. Papa Smurf can't cast a spell that increases breast size?
Not sure what the Shake Weight is? Check out the videos below. The first video is a actual advertisement for the product. The remaining two are South Park parodies of the Shake Weight.
For those of you who would rather see men than the beautiful Jamie Eason, I have considered your needs. Below are some pictures of a famous man you will love to look at. Get rid of your panties and wear a sponge because you are about to get really excited! Click the numbers to see the photos.
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