I need to take a shower. Not because It has been a week since my last shower and my body now has a slimy film, and strange crust encasing it. I will tell you why I need to take a shower. It is because I feel like a dirty, old, man. The pictures above of the gorgeous Kate Upton, that we are all drooling over, are pictures of a teenage girl. You see, Kate Upton just recently turned nineteen years old. So yeah, I feel a little creepy featuring her as the Tissue Abuser of the month, when she probably used tissues just a few years ago to stuff her bra in junior-high school.
So is it wrong to enjoy looking at photos of Kate Upton, Britney Spears, and other young women? To quote a famous line from the movie Dazed and Confused "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age". Being a pedophile is cooler than ever!
The following girls were all seriously considered for Tissue Abuser - Girl of the Month, but ultimately not chosen. I have listed out two reasons why each were considered (which is really two reasons why I would have sex with them), and two reasons why they were not ideal candidates.
unnecessary to achieve fame
1) Even though she is a annoying, media hound who rose to
stardom by doing nothing she is still really hot.
2) Who cares that Kim is beautiful, famous,and is worth
millions of dollars? I want what every man in America
wants from her - Free Skechers!
1) She has "entertained" more black men then B.E.T.
2) Her ass is the bigger than Cowboy's Stadium, and has
been visited by just as many athletes.
1) If you were to get her pregnant, you know you will not have
to pay the full 18 years of child support.
2) With all due respect to Charles Manson, she is much better
looking than the last murderer you dated.
1) She has plenty of annoying habits like talking with her mouth
full, snoring, leaving the T.V. on, killing innocent children, etc.
2) Likely candidate for Dancing with the Stars is a turn-off.
1) She is big, black, and beautiful. (Ok. 2 out of 3 is really good)
2) She is a movie star. (No. That was not her in Free Willy.
No. She was not in Big Mamma House).
1) She is so fat, she orgasms gravy.
2) The loud, beeping noise that goes off when she "backs that
ass up" is a distraction in the bedroom.
Click picture to see Jamie's past feature.
Click picture to see Arianny's past feature.
Like a prostate exam given by Shaquille Oneal, these accusations hurt. I promise this month will feature the manliest man I can find. I know you will enjoy it! Here are the previous Eye Candy Man of the Month winners.
I thought you ladies, and gay men would enjoy pictures of this man. But apparently what is good for Julia Roberts, Miss Pretty Woman, is not good enough for you! What next? Do you think Marc Anthony is not good enough for Jenifer Lopez? Seal for Heidi Klum?
A reader, Jo-Jo, chose this man and I humbly obliged her. Apparently gremlins, beautiful women, and even a nasty piece of shit were all in the photos with Alexander "ruining" the photos.
I apologize for altering the photos of Alexander. It will never happen again. :)
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