Best friend application. Looking for a qualified candidate to replace my existing best friend.
APPLICATION
TO BE MY NEW BEST FRIEND
I am currently entertaining offers for the honor of being called my new best friend. My incumbent best friend has served his role well for years. I have no serious issues or complaints with his performance. I just feel like I could do much better. This Application is intended to filter out the losers and find the most qualified candidate that will become my best friend.
My expectations for the applicants who are vying to become my new best friend are simple. I expect nothing short of greatness. If you are the fortunate one chosen to be my new best friend, you will receive the benefit of being allowed to publicly refer to me as your best friend without having to pay any royalty fees. It should be noted that I exclusively reserve the right to terminate you as my best friend if you fail to live up to my expectations outlined in the contract.
PERSONAL INFORMATION
FULL NAME:_____________________________________________
NICKNAME :_____________________________________________
Are you willing to accept a new nickname, that I am certain to give to you, that will be insulting and embarrassing to
you? YES [ ] NO [ ]
NAME OF LAST BEST FRIEND:_________________________________________
GIVE REASONS WHY I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOUR PREVIOUS BEST FRIEND:
(Although you easily could, giving more than fifty reasons is not necessary). _______________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
NICKNAME :_____________________________________________
Are you willing to accept a new nickname, that I am certain to give to you, that will be insulting and embarrassing to
you? YES [ ] NO [ ]
NAME OF LAST BEST FRIEND:_________________________________________
GIVE REASONS WHY I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOUR PREVIOUS BEST FRIEND:
(Although you easily could, giving more than fifty reasons is not necessary). _______________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
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EMPLOYMENT INFORMATION
PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT:_____________________________________
AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU EARN WEEKLY: ________________________
If I need a loan from you, which I frequently will, do you actually expect repayment?
YES. [ ] I have a family to support. NO. [ ] Hell no. I consider our friendship payment enough.
Although I am unmotivated, unqualified, and will likely quit three days after I am hired, will you get me a job at
your place of employment, putting your professional reputation at risk?
YES. [ ] Of course. I can always collect unemployment. NO. [ ] I have a family to support.
Are you willing to quit your job if I feel we are not 'Hanging out' enough together?
YES. [ ] Nothing is more important then 'hanging with my bro'. NO. [ ] I have a family to support.
AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU EARN WEEKLY: ________________________
If I need a loan from you, which I frequently will, do you actually expect repayment?
YES. [ ] I have a family to support. NO. [ ] Hell no. I consider our friendship payment enough.
Although I am unmotivated, unqualified, and will likely quit three days after I am hired, will you get me a job at
your place of employment, putting your professional reputation at risk?
YES. [ ] Of course. I can always collect unemployment. NO. [ ] I have a family to support.
Are you willing to quit your job if I feel we are not 'Hanging out' enough together?
YES. [ ] Nothing is more important then 'hanging with my bro'. NO. [ ] I have a family to support.
SPORTS FAN INFORMATION - my expectations of my best friend in regard to sports.
Qualified candidate MUST like all Chicago sports teams. (With the exception of the Chicago White Sox, which you must hate). If you previously rooted for teams other than Chicago you must immediately convert. To satisfy my doubts of your commitment to all Chicago sports teams (minus White Sox), I may require you to get a team logo tatoo. Is this acceptable?
YES. [ ] Anything for my new favorite team! NO. [ ] I am terified of needles
My best friend is required to go to at least one sporting event a year with me. Qualified candidate must not bring their bratty kid
or their annoying girlfriend who desperately pretends to enjoy sports. Qualified candidate should also expect for me to have "Unexpected bills that suddenly came up" on the days leading to the sporting event, which would require you to pay for all expenses related to the trip. Are these terms acceptable?
YES. [ ] Anything for my best friend! NO. [ ] This doesn't sound fair to me.
How would you address the following scenario? You are my best friend, and we are in a heated argument about a historic sporting event. I am certain that I am correct, and I begin to go into a rambunctious tirade. I begin by hurling personal insults at you, telling you how stupid and wrong you are. As my anger increases I let you know that I have been having a secret affair with your wife for the past six months. At the climax of my anger, I attempt to carve out one of your eye sockets with a butter knife.
Are you a good enough friend to apologize to me, and admit that you are wrong, even though you have undisputable evidence that I was wrong in our argument about the historic sporting event?
YES. [ ] I would certainly apologize. NO. [ ] This doesn't sound fair to me.
YES. [ ] Anything for my new favorite team! NO. [ ] I am terified of needles
My best friend is required to go to at least one sporting event a year with me. Qualified candidate must not bring their bratty kid
or their annoying girlfriend who desperately pretends to enjoy sports. Qualified candidate should also expect for me to have "Unexpected bills that suddenly came up" on the days leading to the sporting event, which would require you to pay for all expenses related to the trip. Are these terms acceptable?
YES. [ ] Anything for my best friend! NO. [ ] This doesn't sound fair to me.
How would you address the following scenario? You are my best friend, and we are in a heated argument about a historic sporting event. I am certain that I am correct, and I begin to go into a rambunctious tirade. I begin by hurling personal insults at you, telling you how stupid and wrong you are. As my anger increases I let you know that I have been having a secret affair with your wife for the past six months. At the climax of my anger, I attempt to carve out one of your eye sockets with a butter knife.
Are you a good enough friend to apologize to me, and admit that you are wrong, even though you have undisputable evidence that I was wrong in our argument about the historic sporting event?
YES. [ ] I would certainly apologize. NO. [ ] This doesn't sound fair to me.
BACKGROUND INFORMATION
Before a candidate can be seriously considered to be my best friend he must pass a extensive background check. To ensure that I get truthful information you will be administered a polygraph test, and be subject to hours of Waterboarding. Are these tactics acceptable to you?
YES. [ ] Interregate away! NO. [ ] Waterboarding is considered torture.
During the background check I find information from your past that is extremely embarrassing to you. This information is very deameaning, and your only wish in life is to forget it ever happened. You beg of me not to tell anyone and I promise that I will not tell a soul. However, ten minutes after the promise I accidentally slip-up. I tell a few friends, post on hundreds of internet forums, and inform the national media. Within hours, the entire world knows of your embarrassing story. Are you upset?
YES. [ ] You promised, now my life is ruined. NO. [ ] Not if you thought the story was funny.
YES. [ ] Interregate away! NO. [ ] Waterboarding is considered torture.
During the background check I find information from your past that is extremely embarrassing to you. This information is very deameaning, and your only wish in life is to forget it ever happened. You beg of me not to tell anyone and I promise that I will not tell a soul. However, ten minutes after the promise I accidentally slip-up. I tell a few friends, post on hundreds of internet forums, and inform the national media. Within hours, the entire world knows of your embarrassing story. Are you upset?
YES. [ ] You promised, now my life is ruined. NO. [ ] Not if you thought the story was funny.
GENERAL INFORMATION
You often leave your wallet unattended. How often do you check your wallet to see if your credit card is still inside?__________
I expect my best friend to be available to me 24 / 7. I will often test your dedication to our friendship by calling you at 4:00am and asking you to get in your vehicle as quickly as possible and meet me 500 miles away to a gas station that I swear has the best tasting coffee. You arrive at the gas station, wait for hours, but I never show up. To make matters worse, the coffee is terrible. Do you have any issues with my expectations of your availability?
YES. [ ] This seems excessive. NO. [ ] This is what friends are supposed to do.
I expect my best friend to be available to me 24 / 7. I will often test your dedication to our friendship by calling you at 4:00am and asking you to get in your vehicle as quickly as possible and meet me 500 miles away to a gas station that I swear has the best tasting coffee. You arrive at the gas station, wait for hours, but I never show up. To make matters worse, the coffee is terrible. Do you have any issues with my expectations of your availability?
YES. [ ] This seems excessive. NO. [ ] This is what friends are supposed to do.
PAYMENT
All applicants must pay a non-refundable $250 application fee before they can be considered. Please remit payment to Ron.
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