This months winner of the prestigious Tissue Abuser of the Month award is Arianny Celeste. Arianny was chosen because of her passionate involvement with various charities, her diplomatic prowess that will lead to world peace, her amazing expertise in the field of alternative fuel cells, and her medical breakthroughs that may ultimately lead to a cure for cancer.
Okay, so none of this is exactly true and even if it were It is not as important as the real reason Arianny was chosen. Arianny was chosen because she is unbelievably hot! World peace, a cure for cancer, and no more reliance on fossil fuels would be nice, but they are not as important as a hot girl with nice jugs and a super-pooper.
Arianny Celeste is a ring girl for the popular mixed martial arts organization the UFC. Her job is to walk around the ring in between rounds holding up a sign indicating what round it is. While this may seem like a simple task because there are only three rounds in a typical fight, championship matches last five rounds so the margin of error for picking up a incorrect sign is much higher. With a large audience watching, there must be tremendous pressure on Arianny to not make a mistake by grabbing the wrong sign. Wheel of Fortune's letter turner, Vanna White, doesn't have anything on this bitch.
Arianny is (three-quarters) Mexican and (one-quarter) Filipino. She attended UNLV, and majored in fitness and nutrition. She also has a uncontrollable poodle shaving fetish. Okay, so the poodle part is not exactly true either. I decided to put that in this paragraph because it really does not matter. You are not reading any of this anyway. You went directly to the pictures disregarding everything I wrote. All my hard work is wasted. At least you appreciate the hard work Arianny does, carrying those signs. Enjoy the photos.
The following girls were all seriously considered for Tissue Abuser - Girl of the Month, but ultimately not chosen. I have listed out two reasons why each were considered (which is really two reasons why I would have sex with them), and two reasons why they were not ideal candidates.
**BELOW. Clicking on pictures enlarges them. Clicking on words in green provides a picture link. **
1. She is married to Russell Brand, so her obvious poor taste in men gives all ugly guys a feeling of hope. (Yes. She really is married to that creepy looking douche-bag).
2. She wrote a song 'I kissed a girl and I liked it'. Enough said.
1. She belongs to the Church of Scientology. (Maybe not. But the bitch is crazy)
2. She is crazier than a three-legged dog in a hubcap factory. (She has Dissociative identity disorder - multiple personalities). She has led the world to believe that Zooey Deschanel and her are actually two different women.
1. She is mysterious. Meaning - It remains a mystery as to what the hell race she is. It is also a mystery as to whether she is a man or a woman.
2. She is not promiscuous. Hoda has likely never had sex at all in her lifetime. I do not know this for a fact. I am just assuming by her looking at her pictures.
1. Because there is a good chance that Ru-Paul is available instead.
2. Feelings of inadequacy because she has a larger penis than you.
1. A once in a lifetime experience. Aside from Cher, what other alien life form do you have a good chance to sleep with?
2. Unlike Chewbacca and other Wookies, Sy Snootles shaves.
1. For those who prefer the "natural" look of a woman, they may be turned off by Sy Snootles. People magazine recently reported that Sy's voluptuous lips are rumored to be the result of numerous collagen injections. (On a positive note - There is no controversy about her having breast augmentation).
2. Her long lip stalk may actually be a abnormally large tumor.
Well, the feedback I got said I was not being serious. I chose Lyle Lovett as the Man of the Month, and women thought I was making a big joke. To ensure I do not make a mockery of this month's Man of the Month, a suggestion was made for a man to spotlight. This man is Alexander Skarsgard from the television show True Blood. The suggestion was made by Jo-Jo and agreed with by Mike J.
My apologizes for last month. Here is your Eye Candy Man of the month...